Why saying “yes” might be holding you back from building a life you love
What would you do in this situation? A colleague asks if you want to go out with her and a few friends for drinks to celebrate her birthday on Friday night. You’re not really all that interested in going, thinking you’d rather lounge around at home in your jammies and catch up on sleep.
Problem is, this is the 2nd time this week she has invited you. You worry she’ll be hurt if you say no, and you struggle to think of an excuse that doesn’t sound like a cop-out:
I’ve got a lot of laundry to do that night…
Sorry, I feel a bit sick, better stay at home and rest…
I already have plans, I’m meeting a friend for dinner…
What you really mean:
I don’t like going to noisy bars…
Cheap cocktails make me sick…
Going out with you doesn’t sound fun. I think I’ll pass…
So what do you end up doing? If you’re like I was in my twenties, you might just give in and say yes. Accepting their invitation feels easier than trying to come up with an excuse that won’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
So Friday night rolls around and you head to the bar. The place is noisy and you have to practically yell across the table to talk to anyone. Everyone except for you is getting drunk on cheap cocktails and gorging on greasy bar snacks. You look around and wonder why you decided to come.
After a couple of hours you excuse yourself, head home, and get back just after midnight. You feel completely drained and exhausted… You wish you had just stayed home in the first place.
You wish you knew how to just say “no” without feeling guilty about it.
This type of interaction would happen to me all the time back in college. I remember that I often cared more about making someone else feel comfortable, than making myself feel comfortable.
I would avoid conflict at all costs, do anything to avoid letting someone down. I would even change my opinions mid-sentence if I noticed a friend starting to get uncomfortable.
Does that ever happen to you? You might be thinking… “Sure, sometimes I say ‘yes’ just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. What’s the big deal?”
Here’s the big deal: Our time is the most precious thing we have! And yet we waste so much of it doing things that don’t bring us joy, that don’t make us come alive. Saying “yes” to things you’re not actually interested in doing is holding you back from creating the life that YOU truly love. It might seem selfish at first to put your own needs and happiness ahead of others, but it’s the kind of selfishness that is desperately needed in this world – one that is full of self-compassion, love, and clear seeing.
And let’s get this straight: I’m not talking about going out of your way to hurt other people (honestly… when you turn someone down, it doesn’t affect them as much as you think it will), and I’m also not talking about not helping others in need. I’m talking about no longer being OK with hurting yourself.
In her study of terminally ill patients in hospice care, Bronnie Ware found that most common regret of dying people was wishing they had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the life others expected of them.
And yet, living a life true to our own dreams remains difficult.
This post is the first in a series of posts about how to take command of where your time and energy goes, so you can stop doing things that don’t actually bring you joy and start creating a life that you love.
In today’s post I’ll talk about how to take the first step in the right direction – it’s a step called Define Your Priorities. Here’s one of my favorite quotes about this topic, from Iain Thomas:
And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, “This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!” And each day, it’s up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, “No. This is what’s important.”
There is almost no end to the possible things you could focus on in life. And if you are not intentional about where your energy goes, someone else will choose for you.
I know how easy it is to get bogged down with the day-to-day demands, and lose sight of our larger goals in life. So the first step is about clearly defining your priorities.
Ask yourself right now: What is it that you hope to accomplish in life? What do you want to spend your time working towards? (Note: This will help us figure out where we can start saying “NO” in life, and what deserves a “HECK YES.”)
For example, if your current goals are to make more friends and practice your social skills, then going out to the bar with your colleague might be the right choice for you. But if you’re trying to spend more time with your family, work on your startup, write a novel, eat healthier, or stick with a daily meditation practice, then going to the bar every Friday night is probably not going to get you there.
Take some time to write down what your dreams and priorities are in life. What’s important to you? Just brainstorm anything and everything that comes to mind. Actually write it all down on a piece of paper or word doc on your computer. Don’t leave anything out. Be bold and courageous.
The more specific you can be, the better. Instead of just saying “family” or “friends”, you might say “call my family on the phone each week” or “spend more quality time with close friends without checking my phone.”
If you’re still having trouble getting started, here are some questions that can get you thinking:
What creative projects are you working on that you feel are important?
What new skills do you want to learn?
Who do you want to be spending your time with?
What qualities or traits do you admire in others?
Once you have your own list, see if you can determine your top 5. For example, here are some of my top priorities in life right now:
Blog once a week so I can improve my writing
Spend more time catching up with old friends through email and skype
Get super-goodat yoga (currently working on my handstand skills)
Be as goofy and lighthearted as the Dalai Lama
Work on checking social media and news sites less often throughout the day
This step of Defining Your Priorities is critical for creating the life you love, because it’s going to help when we start looking at what we can actually start saying “no” to in our lives.
Here’s the next important step: Once you have your top 5 list, let the world know! Tell a friend about what you’re focusing on, announce it on social media, get a buddy that’s interested in doing the same thing. Just make sure you vocalize it. It makes a huge difference having something or someone holding you accountable.
I know sometimes the hardest part is actually getting off your butt to tell someone… And that’s why I’m here to help! Send me your list, and I’ll be a welcome ear for your priorities. Really, I want to hear from you!
Tune in next week for part 2 of this series, where we’ll be looking at how to let go of what’s holding you back (including tips on how to say “no” without feeling guilty).