How to be more accepting without becoming a pushover

I hear this all the time: “If being mindful means practicing acceptance, won’t that just let people walk all over me? I’m afraid that if I’m too accepting, then I’ll get taken advantage of.”

Sound familiar? Maybe it’s something you’ve thought about before too. I’ll admit, I had this fear myself when I picked up my first mindfulness book. After all, the books kept saying things like “Just notice whatever arises without judgement.”

The truth is, this is a fear that stops many people from practicing mindfulness. Maybe you’re not getting the respect you deserve at work, and you don’t want to make it even worse. Maybe you care deeply about social justice and feel that you can’t accept the things going on in the world right now.

Maybe you’re thinking that being more “accepting” is the last thing you need.

So here’s what I want to talk about. Do you have to worry about mindfulness turning you into doormat? Not in the slightest. In fact, mindfulness will help you be less of a pushover. Let me tell you why.

Contrary to popular belief, mindful acceptance DOES NOT mean you stand idly by while the kids in your 1st grade classroom run around destroying things and making a mess, or while your coworker eats your cookies (which are clearly marked with your name on them). That type of behavior is called acquiescence, and is not what gets cultivated in mindfulness practice.

Acceptance means you stop being in denial. It means that you see clearly what is going on in your life, right here and now.

True acceptance means you are honest with yourself about what’s going on. It means you’re not pushing away painful truths. You’ve taken off the blinders. That’s it.

When you cultivate acceptance, it is actually the very thing that allows you to respond appropriately to what’s happening (rather than responding to the wrong thing, or not responding at all).

Let’s say you have a have an addiction. I’ve personally dealt with many forms of addiction throughout my life. Drugs, sex, alcohol, fame, Facebook. You name it. Most of us have something that we cling to in an unhealthy way. Addiction can be a very powerful force in the mind. It can make you feel like a slave to your desires and your cravings. Completely powerless to do anything.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you think to yourself, “Well, I’ve accepted it, no use trying to change it.”

Acceptance means you acknowledge your addiction, with both courage and self-compassion for the pain it has caused you, and begin to take the next steps to change your behavior.

You don’t succumb to it. Instead you notice it, see what it is, and see how it affects your mind and your life.

Being able to respond appropriately and wisely begins to get easier the more you practice mindful acceptance, because it means you are starting to gain some skill in remaining calm in difficult situations. Rather than wasting your energy fighting your experience, or freaking out, you accept it, and then calmly ask yourself, “Ok, this is how it is. How do I want to respond?”

Rather than falling into a whirlwind of indignation, what-ifs, or fear, you become like the steady captain of a ship in stormy waters. Rain, thunder, and lightning might be all around, but you keep your eyes open and your hands firmly on the helm, ready for every challenge ahead.

So, no, mindfulness won’t turn you into a doormat or let people take advantage of you. On the contrary, mindful acceptance helps you see your world clearly, so that you know exactly what needs to be done.

Now I want you to imagine what your life would be like if you had that skill, that open-eyed clarity. Imagine getting disrespected at work or at home, and instead of letting anger or aggression build up in your mind and cloud your judgement, you simply see what needs to be done, and you go do it.

If you want to learn how to cultivate that kind of mindfulness, then click here for step-by-step guide on practicing mindful awareness.